So, Ive missed you... Missed me?

Ok, in summary of my life these past two months:

I broke up with my boyfriend.
I lost 6kilos.
I have been getting tons more attention from people.
Leading me to hook up with a fair few guys..
I went on a trip.
I finished the uni semester.
Ex-boyfriend got a new girlfriend.
I gained back three kilos.

Which is the main reason im back, im getting fat and unhappy and would really like to be skinny again. Had a little meltdown when trying on dresses last night.
Since getting back from Melbourne, I hadnt spoken to my trainer, id gained two kilos while i was away and was too embarrassed to ask him for help. Ive cycled downward and have ended up gaining another kilo, i was very emotional about this and finally plucked up the courage to text him, he said he'd been waiting to hear from me and we'll start again as soon as i say the word go.
We worked it out to be next Thursday.. So first goal, lose at least two kilos before next thursday, he's going to be so disappointed in me... I was doing so, so well.

I honestly think my life would be quite nearly perfect if i were thin. I just want to be 42 kilos, i want it so badly. I need to remind myself of this as i wolf down a cheeseburger next time.
I have had a skinny mini friend of mine move in with me, she weighs only 40kgs, shes great motivation, but she only eats junk!
I need new diet pills, diet pills make me skinny, skinny makes me happy, therefore diet pills make me happy. They're fucking up my body internally though..

Ive been going out a lot as usual, ive brought home guys a few too many times. As any girl on the rebound does.
I need to stop that though, its just a bit of fun, but im getting over it.

July is ME MONTH.
I am going to the gym three times a week to see my trainer and twice by myself, or, well that is the goal.
Im going to religiously take my diet pills.
I am going to only have meal replacement shakes after 5pm - no solid food after this time.
Im going to make my lunch before i go to work.
Im going to start reading a new book.
And definitely going to have more bubble baths with pink moscato whilst reading that new book. Best relaxation.
Im going to go out as much as i possibly can without harming myself.

I will stop obsessing over the ex.. I dont want him, but i dont want anyone else to have him and its sort of breaking my heart over again to see him with someone else.. even though she is 17, four years younger than him, ew. Can you say DOWNGRADE!?

I pretty much told his mum to go fuck herself the other day, she keeps trying to snoop on whatever is going on in my life. Sticks her nose in where she should be minding her own business. So im sure i wont have her to worry about anymore, i wasnt exactly subtle with what i said.

I will accept dates.
I seem to turn down a lot of people, i need to give chances.
But i wont be easy ;)

Yep, that is pretty much my plan, July is going to be a good month, a very good month.
And i will be happy.
Oh so happy happy happy.

I so badly want the fat to just melt off my bones, i dont want to have to work for it, i dont wish to starve, i just want to be perfect.. and im a greedy bitch who wants it to just happen naturally. Once it does happen im going to tell people how hard it was. How much it hurts to gain back even the slightest amount.. I was getting there, people were noticing.. Then i went and fucked it up. I will get back to where i was, and then i will continue.

I have so many new clothes to fit into, and they did fit, up until last night when i was trying everything on.. awful.


In August im going back down to Melbourne, this time i vow i will not gain a gram! I know the most perfect boy who lives down there, I want to be thinner than this time that i saw him, i need to be at least 45 by the time i go down there.. I can do it! I just have to try, i have to try really hard.
I sound ridiculous, but i just crave attention, i want to impress people, i want someone to be jealous when they see me walk by.. I want jaws to drop.
The thinner i get, the more noticed i become.
Im literally disappearing, but to everyone else, im just becoming visible.